The Wrench Speaks: A Cartoon Coffin

By Paul Wegweiser

I spend my week toiling away on the soulless plastic shitboxes of soccer moms and real estate agents. Sure, they're German cars – but they're built by bean counters these days … not engineers.
Back in October, I spent the weekend in a fully restored 1965 Austin Cooper Mini S reminding myself that cars can still be fun. I've driven Minis before (the real ones, not the current software-laden thingies that buzz around trend city centers) but never at real speed, and certainly never on the highway ... or over bridges.
Here's what I can tell you: They are terribly frightening. And they are an absolute adrenaline-producing-sex-with-a-gymnast-on-a-trampoline GOOD TIME!
A single layer of 1 mm steel passes for a door on each side. No side impact protection beams. Your feet rest two inches from the engine. The seats don't lock in position. The seatbelts are reminiscent of bra straps -- but easier to unhook. It’s a coffin on wheels –- but what a way to goddamn GO!
This one had the "big" hotrod "S" engine, a laughable 1275cc (that's cubic centimeters, folks …1.275 liters). I've held syringes with more displacement, but don't let that fool you … the thing is a giant killer! Minis won famous races in the ‘60s including the Monte Carlo Rally. Cars like these slew the competition.
On the highway, old ladies smile and wave at you. At 75, the gearbox whines like a blender. Think about changing lanes…you've already done it. The handling is TELEPATHIC! Over bridge expansion joints, the car bounces like there's a gorilla jumping on the roof.
I was driving … a cartoon! But far better than the practical, emotionally devoid plastic computerized beans most people call "cars.